WHAT IF BRUCE LEE NEVER DIED AND HOSTED SNL IN THE 70s
COLD OPENING
(sits down and pretends I'm tied up)
(Dan Akroyd impression)
GREEN HORNET
You'll never get away with this, Johnny the Gun! My ward Kato will be here to save me!
(stands next to chair)
(John Belushi impression)
JOHNNY THE GUN
Ha! He'll never get here in time, Green Hornet! Now prepare to die!
(runs to stage right)
(Bruce Lee impression)
Not so fast!
Start shadow boxing and kicking around the room. Runs to the chair and sits down.
(Dan Akroyd impression)
Thank heavens you're here, Kato! I thought I was done.
(Bruce Lee impression)
No problem, boss. (To Johnny) Any last words, Johnny?
(John Belushi impression)
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
DON PARDO
It's Saturday Night Live. Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Jane Curtain. Fast forward a little. Special guest Bruce Lee, musical guest Bruce Springsteen and the E String Band, Blues Brothers. Ladies and gentlemen. Bruce Lee
BRUCE LEE
Thank you. My name is Bruce Lee. I'm an actor and martial artist. My training dated back to when I was 10 years old in Hong Kong. I was trained in Gung Fu growing up. Here are some of the different attacks.
Bruce Lee kicks and punches, then fast forward to him saying, "We have a great show tonight. Bruce Springsteen and the E String is here". We go to commercial break and now we are in a saloon. I stand behind the bar and turn around.
JOHN BELUSHI
bluda doo woo ah
DON PARDO
And now! Samurai meets the man with now name.
Bruce Lee walks in dressed like Clint Eastwood. Cowboy hat, Pancho, and a cigar in his mouth.
BRUCE LEE
(gruff voice like Clint)
I'm looking a wanted man.
Pulls out a wanted poster and it's a drawing of John Belushi with his samurai make-up
We fast forward to the super bassamatic 75 commercial with Dan Akroyd. Then we go to Bruce Lee on main stage.
BRUCE LEE
Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Springsteen and the E String Band
Bruce Springsteen sings a little bit from Thunder Road.
DON PARDO
And now! Weekend update with Jane Curtain and Dan Akroyd.
Fast forward.
DAN AKROYD
Jane, you ignorant slut!
We fast forward to Bruce Lee on main stage announcing Bruce Springsteen and the E String band. They sing a bit of Tenth Avenue Freeze-out and the Blues Brothers come out. Johnny Blues sings the second verse.
We go to the goodbyes and Bruce Lee thanks everybody.
(End of show)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Demi-God Feast
Demi-God Feast
INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
THESEUS, PERSEUS, and HERAKLES are having a feast at a round table.
THESEUS
Let us toast for the many challenges we have overcome.
They toast holding up their wine goblets.
PERSEUS
It is perhaps a great day to share our tales of success.
HERAKLES
Indeed, Perseus.
THESEUS
There is one thing I wanted to clear up, my demi-god breatheren. I must say that I overcame the most challenging hardship, with less or no assistant from the Gods.
PERSEUS
I have slayed the multi-serpent-headed, Medusa. That should be the most challenging task!
HERAKLES
I have completed the twelve labors.
PERSEUS AND THESEUS
Shut up, Herk!
THESEUS
Alright, dudes. Let's be frank. I killed the Minotaur! And all I had to help me was a ball of string.
PERSEUS
Listen, man! I killed Medusa! That bitch freezes people by looking at them!
THESEUS
But you had all kinds of cool gadgets to help you. Hermes' Winged Sandals, Hades' cap of invisibility, Athena's shield. I only had a ball of string!
HERAKLES
I completed the 12 labors
PERSEUS
Nobody gives a shit, Herc! You were born with super strength.
Herakles bites his lips.
PERSEUS (CONTINUE)
I killed the Medusa and then used her head to freeze the Kraken! That's got to count for something.
THESEUS
Yeah! And how did you carry that head.
PERSEUS
In a magic bag. You know. The that lets me put anything inside.
THESEUS
You see! Magic bag! That's what I'm talking about, dude! Guess what I had when I had to find my way through a maze to kill the Minotaur? A BALL OF STRING!
HERAKLES
I choked two snakes when I was a baby.
THESEUS AND PERSEUS
SHUT UP!
(BLACKOUT)
INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
THESEUS, PERSEUS, and HERAKLES are having a feast at a round table.
THESEUS
Let us toast for the many challenges we have overcome.
They toast holding up their wine goblets.
PERSEUS
It is perhaps a great day to share our tales of success.
HERAKLES
Indeed, Perseus.
THESEUS
There is one thing I wanted to clear up, my demi-god breatheren. I must say that I overcame the most challenging hardship, with less or no assistant from the Gods.
PERSEUS
I have slayed the multi-serpent-headed, Medusa. That should be the most challenging task!
HERAKLES
I have completed the twelve labors.
PERSEUS AND THESEUS
Shut up, Herk!
THESEUS
Alright, dudes. Let's be frank. I killed the Minotaur! And all I had to help me was a ball of string.
PERSEUS
Listen, man! I killed Medusa! That bitch freezes people by looking at them!
THESEUS
But you had all kinds of cool gadgets to help you. Hermes' Winged Sandals, Hades' cap of invisibility, Athena's shield. I only had a ball of string!
HERAKLES
I completed the 12 labors
PERSEUS
Nobody gives a shit, Herc! You were born with super strength.
Herakles bites his lips.
PERSEUS (CONTINUE)
I killed the Medusa and then used her head to freeze the Kraken! That's got to count for something.
THESEUS
Yeah! And how did you carry that head.
PERSEUS
In a magic bag. You know. The that lets me put anything inside.
THESEUS
You see! Magic bag! That's what I'm talking about, dude! Guess what I had when I had to find my way through a maze to kill the Minotaur? A BALL OF STRING!
HERAKLES
I choked two snakes when I was a baby.
THESEUS AND PERSEUS
SHUT UP!
(BLACKOUT)
Slow Motion Man
Slow Motion Man
EXT. PARK - DAY
A MAN and Woman is having a picnic. A VILLAIN runs up to them and kicks their picnic basket away.
VILLAIN
Ha! Hand over your goods!
WOMAN
Don't hurt us!
MAN
Help!
Everybody turns their head, staring at the same direction. They see SLOW MOTION MAN standing in a heroic posture. He starts to run towards the Villain and the couple, only he's moving super slow.
WOMAN
Who's is that guy?
VILLAIN
Oh, no! Slow Motion Man! Fool!
MAN
We're saved!
Slow motion man is still slowly running towards them, but he barely ran three feet.
WOMAN
He'll teach you to ruin such a beautiful picnic.
MAN
Yeah! Slow motion man will save us!
VILLAIN
What will I do? I'm no match for a superhero. I better scram and live to fight another day!
The villain runs off.
VILLAIN
We'll meet again, slow motion man!
MAN
He's gone. We're saved
WOMAN
Thanks slow motion man! You saved our picnic
Slow motion man is still running towards them. He's ran about four feet.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Dooon'ttt wooorrrryyyy aaaaabbboouuutt iiiittt!!
The couple packed their picnic back up.
MAN
We'll we're gonna go now. Thanks for saving our lives, Slow motion man.
WOMAN
God Bless.
The couple leaves. Slow motion man is still running towards them.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Tttthheeee dddaaayyyy isss saaaavvvveeddd aaaagggaaaaiii...
(Blackout)
EXT. PARK - DAY
A MAN and Woman is having a picnic. A VILLAIN runs up to them and kicks their picnic basket away.
VILLAIN
Ha! Hand over your goods!
WOMAN
Don't hurt us!
MAN
Help!
Everybody turns their head, staring at the same direction. They see SLOW MOTION MAN standing in a heroic posture. He starts to run towards the Villain and the couple, only he's moving super slow.
WOMAN
Who's is that guy?
VILLAIN
Oh, no! Slow Motion Man! Fool!
MAN
We're saved!
Slow motion man is still slowly running towards them, but he barely ran three feet.
WOMAN
He'll teach you to ruin such a beautiful picnic.
MAN
Yeah! Slow motion man will save us!
VILLAIN
What will I do? I'm no match for a superhero. I better scram and live to fight another day!
The villain runs off.
VILLAIN
We'll meet again, slow motion man!
MAN
He's gone. We're saved
WOMAN
Thanks slow motion man! You saved our picnic
Slow motion man is still running towards them. He's ran about four feet.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Dooon'ttt wooorrrryyyy aaaaabbboouuutt iiiittt!!
The couple packed their picnic back up.
MAN
We'll we're gonna go now. Thanks for saving our lives, Slow motion man.
WOMAN
God Bless.
The couple leaves. Slow motion man is still running towards them.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Tttthheeee dddaaayyyy isss saaaavvvveeddd aaaagggaaaaiii...
(Blackout)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Fantasy Dancer
Fantasy Dancer
Int. Living Room - Evening
Group of young ladies are having a bachelorette party. They are all in their mid twenties. SILVIA is sitting in a chair. JUDY and PEGGY are standing by the closed door.
JUDY
Alright, ladies! You ready for your entertainment, Silvia?
Judy opens the door. DONNY walks in, wearing a long trench coat.
PEGGY
We got you a stripper from one of those ads. This sexy thang is from this place call fantasy dancers.
JUDY
They had a grand opening special. They do role-playing
SILVIA
Oh muh-god, you guys! You got one of those firemen or police men strippers?
DONNY
You ladies ready to have some fun? Here, put this CD in.
Peggy puts on the CD and it's the theme song to the 1960s spider-man cartoon. Donny takes off his trench coat and reveals that he is wearing a toddler's spider-man Halloween costume. He puts on the mask and starts doing a really unorthodox dance routine.
SILVIA
This isn't what I imagined it would be, guys!
PEGGY
Maybe he'll start stripping in a bit.
Donny attempts to take off his toddler shirt. The ladies starts cheering, but Donny drops the shirt back down and wave a finger at them. He then starts doing dances and pretends he's shooting spider webs from his wrist and starts skipping around the living room.
JUDY
Maybe he'll start stripping soon.
SILVIA
You got him from Fantasy Dancers, huh?
PEGGY
Yeah. Grand opening special.
SILVIA
He's not going to take that costume off, is he?
The music stops and Donny pulls a chair up to Silvia and lays on it upside down as if he's spider-man hanging upside down from his webbing. He pulls his mask up over his mouth and starts making kissing noises.
JUDY
Silvia, I am so embarrassed. I never should had called that place and got you a dancer.
The music stops and Donny is crouched down on a chair.
PEGGY
What should we do?
JUDY
Maybe we can shoo it away like a cat.
SILVIA
I love this dancer! You guys are the best!
(Blackout)
Int. Living Room - Evening
Group of young ladies are having a bachelorette party. They are all in their mid twenties. SILVIA is sitting in a chair. JUDY and PEGGY are standing by the closed door.
JUDY
Alright, ladies! You ready for your entertainment, Silvia?
Judy opens the door. DONNY walks in, wearing a long trench coat.
PEGGY
We got you a stripper from one of those ads. This sexy thang is from this place call fantasy dancers.
JUDY
They had a grand opening special. They do role-playing
SILVIA
Oh muh-god, you guys! You got one of those firemen or police men strippers?
DONNY
You ladies ready to have some fun? Here, put this CD in.
Peggy puts on the CD and it's the theme song to the 1960s spider-man cartoon. Donny takes off his trench coat and reveals that he is wearing a toddler's spider-man Halloween costume. He puts on the mask and starts doing a really unorthodox dance routine.
SILVIA
This isn't what I imagined it would be, guys!
PEGGY
Maybe he'll start stripping in a bit.
Donny attempts to take off his toddler shirt. The ladies starts cheering, but Donny drops the shirt back down and wave a finger at them. He then starts doing dances and pretends he's shooting spider webs from his wrist and starts skipping around the living room.
JUDY
Maybe he'll start stripping soon.
SILVIA
You got him from Fantasy Dancers, huh?
PEGGY
Yeah. Grand opening special.
SILVIA
He's not going to take that costume off, is he?
The music stops and Donny pulls a chair up to Silvia and lays on it upside down as if he's spider-man hanging upside down from his webbing. He pulls his mask up over his mouth and starts making kissing noises.
JUDY
Silvia, I am so embarrassed. I never should had called that place and got you a dancer.
The music stops and Donny is crouched down on a chair.
PEGGY
What should we do?
JUDY
Maybe we can shoo it away like a cat.
SILVIA
I love this dancer! You guys are the best!
(Blackout)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
EYEBROW (TH)READING
INT. NEDA'S EYEBROW READING - DAY
A young woman, CHRISTINA, walks into the store. An old Iranian woman, NEDA is sitting at a table. She is wearing traditional Iranian garment.
NEDA
Welcome. Please have a seat.
Christina sits down across from Neda.
CHRISTINA
This place is so pretty! Any-who. I really need to get my eyebrows threaded. I want them to be bettered shaped. Maybe a little thinner.
NEDA
You have mistaken me for a woman who pluck hair from face. I am a eyebrow reader. I can channel my power of clairvoyance from touching your eyebrows.
CHRISTINA
So are you gonna shape them up, or what?
Neda gets off her seat and lunges at Christina, sticking her thumbs onto Cristina's eyebrows. They feel the energy generated. Neda, with her eyes closed, starts seeing visions.
NEDA
Your name is Christina. You're 22 years old. You like music from Nickleback because you thing the lead singer looks like Jesus.
CHRISTINA
Oh my gosh! How do you know all this. It's true. You are psychic!
NEDA
I see you are in a relationship with a young man name, Steve. He's going to be the love of your life.
CHRISTINA
Really? Steve is the one?
NEDA
Wait I see something else?!
Neda starts to squeeze the skin where Christina's eyebrows are.
NEDA
I see Steve joking with his friends, telling them that you have asymmetrical breasts .(Laughs) He refers to them as ying yang tits, Devito and Schwartzenegger, Bruce Banner and the incredible hulk...
CHRISTINA
Stop it! Enough!
Christina swats Neda's hands away from her face. Christina tries to fight back the tears as she confronts Neda.
CHRISTINA
I didn't ask for this! I just wanted my eyebrows threaded! How can Steve be the love of my life if he said such horrible things about me!
Neda tries to answer her by attempting to touch her eyebrows again. Christina puts up a hand defensively.
CHRISTINA
No! I don't want to know!
NEDA
Surely, I can find out if Steve is truly the one, or maybe you'll meet a better guy in the future. There's only one way to find out, that's for me to touch you brows.
CHRISTINA
Okay. But this is it. I just want to know if Steve is the one or not.
Neda nods and reaches out to touch Cristina's eyebrow again. Christina gets tense. Neda looks like she's in pain. She then releases Christina and burst out laughing.
NEDA
He said your eyebrows look like Salvatore Dali's pubes!
(Blackout)
A young woman, CHRISTINA, walks into the store. An old Iranian woman, NEDA is sitting at a table. She is wearing traditional Iranian garment.
NEDA
Welcome. Please have a seat.
Christina sits down across from Neda.
CHRISTINA
This place is so pretty! Any-who. I really need to get my eyebrows threaded. I want them to be bettered shaped. Maybe a little thinner.
NEDA
You have mistaken me for a woman who pluck hair from face. I am a eyebrow reader. I can channel my power of clairvoyance from touching your eyebrows.
CHRISTINA
So are you gonna shape them up, or what?
Neda gets off her seat and lunges at Christina, sticking her thumbs onto Cristina's eyebrows. They feel the energy generated. Neda, with her eyes closed, starts seeing visions.
NEDA
Your name is Christina. You're 22 years old. You like music from Nickleback because you thing the lead singer looks like Jesus.
CHRISTINA
Oh my gosh! How do you know all this. It's true. You are psychic!
NEDA
I see you are in a relationship with a young man name, Steve. He's going to be the love of your life.
CHRISTINA
Really? Steve is the one?
NEDA
Wait I see something else?!
Neda starts to squeeze the skin where Christina's eyebrows are.
NEDA
I see Steve joking with his friends, telling them that you have asymmetrical breasts .(Laughs) He refers to them as ying yang tits, Devito and Schwartzenegger, Bruce Banner and the incredible hulk...
CHRISTINA
Stop it! Enough!
Christina swats Neda's hands away from her face. Christina tries to fight back the tears as she confronts Neda.
CHRISTINA
I didn't ask for this! I just wanted my eyebrows threaded! How can Steve be the love of my life if he said such horrible things about me!
Neda tries to answer her by attempting to touch her eyebrows again. Christina puts up a hand defensively.
CHRISTINA
No! I don't want to know!
NEDA
Surely, I can find out if Steve is truly the one, or maybe you'll meet a better guy in the future. There's only one way to find out, that's for me to touch you brows.
CHRISTINA
Okay. But this is it. I just want to know if Steve is the one or not.
Neda nods and reaches out to touch Cristina's eyebrow again. Christina gets tense. Neda looks like she's in pain. She then releases Christina and burst out laughing.
NEDA
He said your eyebrows look like Salvatore Dali's pubes!
(Blackout)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Jon & Kate Plus Ape - Day Three
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JOHN IS SITTING IN THE COUCH ON HIS IPHONE. KATE WALKS IN
HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS.
KATE
WHAT YOU SMILING ABOUT? YOU
TEXTING THAT WHORE OF YOURS?
JON
SHE'S NOT A WHORE! SHE HAS A NAME!
KATE
OH YEAH! WHAT'S HER NAME THEN?
JON IS LOOKS UP TO THE CEILING AS IF THE ANSWER WAS WRITTEN
UP THERE. HE THEN HANGS HIS HEAD AND RUBS IT WITH ONE HAND.
KATE
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME
YOU BALDING FATHEAD.
JON
WAIT IT WILL COME TO ME. MR.
GLASS!
KATE
THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON'S
CHARACTER FROM THE MOVIE
UNBREAKABLE!
JON
GLASSMAN! HAILEY GLASSMAN! HA!
YEAH! NOW WHAT BITCH!
A SILVERBACK GORILLA COMES OUT WEARING A RED BANDANNA AROUND
HIS HEAD AND HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS JON.
KATE
JON? BABY?
SHE PICKS UP THE IPHONE AND STARTS TEXTING. SHE READS AS SHE
TYPES.
KATE
I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND GOING
BACK WITH KATE.
ANNOUNCER ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON TLC'S NEW
SERIES, DEAD JON & KATE PLUS AN
ARMED APE.
(Blackout)
JOHN IS SITTING IN THE COUCH ON HIS IPHONE. KATE WALKS IN
HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS.
KATE
WHAT YOU SMILING ABOUT? YOU
TEXTING THAT WHORE OF YOURS?
JON
SHE'S NOT A WHORE! SHE HAS A NAME!
KATE
OH YEAH! WHAT'S HER NAME THEN?
JON IS LOOKS UP TO THE CEILING AS IF THE ANSWER WAS WRITTEN
UP THERE. HE THEN HANGS HIS HEAD AND RUBS IT WITH ONE HAND.
KATE
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME
YOU BALDING FATHEAD.
JON
WAIT IT WILL COME TO ME. MR.
GLASS!
KATE
THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON'S
CHARACTER FROM THE MOVIE
UNBREAKABLE!
JON
GLASSMAN! HAILEY GLASSMAN! HA!
YEAH! NOW WHAT BITCH!
A SILVERBACK GORILLA COMES OUT WEARING A RED BANDANNA AROUND
HIS HEAD AND HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS JON.
KATE
JON? BABY?
SHE PICKS UP THE IPHONE AND STARTS TEXTING. SHE READS AS SHE
TYPES.
KATE
I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND GOING
BACK WITH KATE.
ANNOUNCER ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON TLC'S NEW
SERIES, DEAD JON & KATE PLUS AN
ARMED APE.
(Blackout)
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