WHAT IF BRUCE LEE NEVER DIED AND HOSTED SNL IN THE 70s
COLD OPENING
(sits down and pretends I'm tied up)
(Dan Akroyd impression)
GREEN HORNET
You'll never get away with this, Johnny the Gun! My ward Kato will be here to save me!
(stands next to chair)
(John Belushi impression)
JOHNNY THE GUN
Ha! He'll never get here in time, Green Hornet! Now prepare to die!
(runs to stage right)
(Bruce Lee impression)
Not so fast!
Start shadow boxing and kicking around the room. Runs to the chair and sits down.
(Dan Akroyd impression)
Thank heavens you're here, Kato! I thought I was done.
(Bruce Lee impression)
No problem, boss. (To Johnny) Any last words, Johnny?
(John Belushi impression)
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
DON PARDO
It's Saturday Night Live. Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Jane Curtain. Fast forward a little. Special guest Bruce Lee, musical guest Bruce Springsteen and the E String Band, Blues Brothers. Ladies and gentlemen. Bruce Lee
BRUCE LEE
Thank you. My name is Bruce Lee. I'm an actor and martial artist. My training dated back to when I was 10 years old in Hong Kong. I was trained in Gung Fu growing up. Here are some of the different attacks.
Bruce Lee kicks and punches, then fast forward to him saying, "We have a great show tonight. Bruce Springsteen and the E String is here". We go to commercial break and now we are in a saloon. I stand behind the bar and turn around.
JOHN BELUSHI
bluda doo woo ah
DON PARDO
And now! Samurai meets the man with now name.
Bruce Lee walks in dressed like Clint Eastwood. Cowboy hat, Pancho, and a cigar in his mouth.
BRUCE LEE
(gruff voice like Clint)
I'm looking a wanted man.
Pulls out a wanted poster and it's a drawing of John Belushi with his samurai make-up
We fast forward to the super bassamatic 75 commercial with Dan Akroyd. Then we go to Bruce Lee on main stage.
BRUCE LEE
Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Springsteen and the E String Band
Bruce Springsteen sings a little bit from Thunder Road.
DON PARDO
And now! Weekend update with Jane Curtain and Dan Akroyd.
Fast forward.
DAN AKROYD
Jane, you ignorant slut!
We fast forward to Bruce Lee on main stage announcing Bruce Springsteen and the E String band. They sing a bit of Tenth Avenue Freeze-out and the Blues Brothers come out. Johnny Blues sings the second verse.
We go to the goodbyes and Bruce Lee thanks everybody.
(End of show)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Demi-God Feast
Demi-God Feast
INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
THESEUS, PERSEUS, and HERAKLES are having a feast at a round table.
THESEUS
Let us toast for the many challenges we have overcome.
They toast holding up their wine goblets.
PERSEUS
It is perhaps a great day to share our tales of success.
HERAKLES
Indeed, Perseus.
THESEUS
There is one thing I wanted to clear up, my demi-god breatheren. I must say that I overcame the most challenging hardship, with less or no assistant from the Gods.
PERSEUS
I have slayed the multi-serpent-headed, Medusa. That should be the most challenging task!
HERAKLES
I have completed the twelve labors.
PERSEUS AND THESEUS
Shut up, Herk!
THESEUS
Alright, dudes. Let's be frank. I killed the Minotaur! And all I had to help me was a ball of string.
PERSEUS
Listen, man! I killed Medusa! That bitch freezes people by looking at them!
THESEUS
But you had all kinds of cool gadgets to help you. Hermes' Winged Sandals, Hades' cap of invisibility, Athena's shield. I only had a ball of string!
HERAKLES
I completed the 12 labors
PERSEUS
Nobody gives a shit, Herc! You were born with super strength.
Herakles bites his lips.
PERSEUS (CONTINUE)
I killed the Medusa and then used her head to freeze the Kraken! That's got to count for something.
THESEUS
Yeah! And how did you carry that head.
PERSEUS
In a magic bag. You know. The that lets me put anything inside.
THESEUS
You see! Magic bag! That's what I'm talking about, dude! Guess what I had when I had to find my way through a maze to kill the Minotaur? A BALL OF STRING!
HERAKLES
I choked two snakes when I was a baby.
THESEUS AND PERSEUS
SHUT UP!
(BLACKOUT)
INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
THESEUS, PERSEUS, and HERAKLES are having a feast at a round table.
THESEUS
Let us toast for the many challenges we have overcome.
They toast holding up their wine goblets.
PERSEUS
It is perhaps a great day to share our tales of success.
HERAKLES
Indeed, Perseus.
THESEUS
There is one thing I wanted to clear up, my demi-god breatheren. I must say that I overcame the most challenging hardship, with less or no assistant from the Gods.
PERSEUS
I have slayed the multi-serpent-headed, Medusa. That should be the most challenging task!
HERAKLES
I have completed the twelve labors.
PERSEUS AND THESEUS
Shut up, Herk!
THESEUS
Alright, dudes. Let's be frank. I killed the Minotaur! And all I had to help me was a ball of string.
PERSEUS
Listen, man! I killed Medusa! That bitch freezes people by looking at them!
THESEUS
But you had all kinds of cool gadgets to help you. Hermes' Winged Sandals, Hades' cap of invisibility, Athena's shield. I only had a ball of string!
HERAKLES
I completed the 12 labors
PERSEUS
Nobody gives a shit, Herc! You were born with super strength.
Herakles bites his lips.
PERSEUS (CONTINUE)
I killed the Medusa and then used her head to freeze the Kraken! That's got to count for something.
THESEUS
Yeah! And how did you carry that head.
PERSEUS
In a magic bag. You know. The that lets me put anything inside.
THESEUS
You see! Magic bag! That's what I'm talking about, dude! Guess what I had when I had to find my way through a maze to kill the Minotaur? A BALL OF STRING!
HERAKLES
I choked two snakes when I was a baby.
THESEUS AND PERSEUS
SHUT UP!
(BLACKOUT)
Slow Motion Man
Slow Motion Man
EXT. PARK - DAY
A MAN and Woman is having a picnic. A VILLAIN runs up to them and kicks their picnic basket away.
VILLAIN
Ha! Hand over your goods!
WOMAN
Don't hurt us!
MAN
Help!
Everybody turns their head, staring at the same direction. They see SLOW MOTION MAN standing in a heroic posture. He starts to run towards the Villain and the couple, only he's moving super slow.
WOMAN
Who's is that guy?
VILLAIN
Oh, no! Slow Motion Man! Fool!
MAN
We're saved!
Slow motion man is still slowly running towards them, but he barely ran three feet.
WOMAN
He'll teach you to ruin such a beautiful picnic.
MAN
Yeah! Slow motion man will save us!
VILLAIN
What will I do? I'm no match for a superhero. I better scram and live to fight another day!
The villain runs off.
VILLAIN
We'll meet again, slow motion man!
MAN
He's gone. We're saved
WOMAN
Thanks slow motion man! You saved our picnic
Slow motion man is still running towards them. He's ran about four feet.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Dooon'ttt wooorrrryyyy aaaaabbboouuutt iiiittt!!
The couple packed their picnic back up.
MAN
We'll we're gonna go now. Thanks for saving our lives, Slow motion man.
WOMAN
God Bless.
The couple leaves. Slow motion man is still running towards them.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Tttthheeee dddaaayyyy isss saaaavvvveeddd aaaagggaaaaiii...
(Blackout)
EXT. PARK - DAY
A MAN and Woman is having a picnic. A VILLAIN runs up to them and kicks their picnic basket away.
VILLAIN
Ha! Hand over your goods!
WOMAN
Don't hurt us!
MAN
Help!
Everybody turns their head, staring at the same direction. They see SLOW MOTION MAN standing in a heroic posture. He starts to run towards the Villain and the couple, only he's moving super slow.
WOMAN
Who's is that guy?
VILLAIN
Oh, no! Slow Motion Man! Fool!
MAN
We're saved!
Slow motion man is still slowly running towards them, but he barely ran three feet.
WOMAN
He'll teach you to ruin such a beautiful picnic.
MAN
Yeah! Slow motion man will save us!
VILLAIN
What will I do? I'm no match for a superhero. I better scram and live to fight another day!
The villain runs off.
VILLAIN
We'll meet again, slow motion man!
MAN
He's gone. We're saved
WOMAN
Thanks slow motion man! You saved our picnic
Slow motion man is still running towards them. He's ran about four feet.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Dooon'ttt wooorrrryyyy aaaaabbboouuutt iiiittt!!
The couple packed their picnic back up.
MAN
We'll we're gonna go now. Thanks for saving our lives, Slow motion man.
WOMAN
God Bless.
The couple leaves. Slow motion man is still running towards them.
SLOW MOTION MAN
Tttthheeee dddaaayyyy isss saaaavvvveeddd aaaagggaaaaiii...
(Blackout)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Fantasy Dancer
Fantasy Dancer
Int. Living Room - Evening
Group of young ladies are having a bachelorette party. They are all in their mid twenties. SILVIA is sitting in a chair. JUDY and PEGGY are standing by the closed door.
JUDY
Alright, ladies! You ready for your entertainment, Silvia?
Judy opens the door. DONNY walks in, wearing a long trench coat.
PEGGY
We got you a stripper from one of those ads. This sexy thang is from this place call fantasy dancers.
JUDY
They had a grand opening special. They do role-playing
SILVIA
Oh muh-god, you guys! You got one of those firemen or police men strippers?
DONNY
You ladies ready to have some fun? Here, put this CD in.
Peggy puts on the CD and it's the theme song to the 1960s spider-man cartoon. Donny takes off his trench coat and reveals that he is wearing a toddler's spider-man Halloween costume. He puts on the mask and starts doing a really unorthodox dance routine.
SILVIA
This isn't what I imagined it would be, guys!
PEGGY
Maybe he'll start stripping in a bit.
Donny attempts to take off his toddler shirt. The ladies starts cheering, but Donny drops the shirt back down and wave a finger at them. He then starts doing dances and pretends he's shooting spider webs from his wrist and starts skipping around the living room.
JUDY
Maybe he'll start stripping soon.
SILVIA
You got him from Fantasy Dancers, huh?
PEGGY
Yeah. Grand opening special.
SILVIA
He's not going to take that costume off, is he?
The music stops and Donny pulls a chair up to Silvia and lays on it upside down as if he's spider-man hanging upside down from his webbing. He pulls his mask up over his mouth and starts making kissing noises.
JUDY
Silvia, I am so embarrassed. I never should had called that place and got you a dancer.
The music stops and Donny is crouched down on a chair.
PEGGY
What should we do?
JUDY
Maybe we can shoo it away like a cat.
SILVIA
I love this dancer! You guys are the best!
(Blackout)
Int. Living Room - Evening
Group of young ladies are having a bachelorette party. They are all in their mid twenties. SILVIA is sitting in a chair. JUDY and PEGGY are standing by the closed door.
JUDY
Alright, ladies! You ready for your entertainment, Silvia?
Judy opens the door. DONNY walks in, wearing a long trench coat.
PEGGY
We got you a stripper from one of those ads. This sexy thang is from this place call fantasy dancers.
JUDY
They had a grand opening special. They do role-playing
SILVIA
Oh muh-god, you guys! You got one of those firemen or police men strippers?
DONNY
You ladies ready to have some fun? Here, put this CD in.
Peggy puts on the CD and it's the theme song to the 1960s spider-man cartoon. Donny takes off his trench coat and reveals that he is wearing a toddler's spider-man Halloween costume. He puts on the mask and starts doing a really unorthodox dance routine.
SILVIA
This isn't what I imagined it would be, guys!
PEGGY
Maybe he'll start stripping in a bit.
Donny attempts to take off his toddler shirt. The ladies starts cheering, but Donny drops the shirt back down and wave a finger at them. He then starts doing dances and pretends he's shooting spider webs from his wrist and starts skipping around the living room.
JUDY
Maybe he'll start stripping soon.
SILVIA
You got him from Fantasy Dancers, huh?
PEGGY
Yeah. Grand opening special.
SILVIA
He's not going to take that costume off, is he?
The music stops and Donny pulls a chair up to Silvia and lays on it upside down as if he's spider-man hanging upside down from his webbing. He pulls his mask up over his mouth and starts making kissing noises.
JUDY
Silvia, I am so embarrassed. I never should had called that place and got you a dancer.
The music stops and Donny is crouched down on a chair.
PEGGY
What should we do?
JUDY
Maybe we can shoo it away like a cat.
SILVIA
I love this dancer! You guys are the best!
(Blackout)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
EYEBROW (TH)READING
INT. NEDA'S EYEBROW READING - DAY
A young woman, CHRISTINA, walks into the store. An old Iranian woman, NEDA is sitting at a table. She is wearing traditional Iranian garment.
NEDA
Welcome. Please have a seat.
Christina sits down across from Neda.
CHRISTINA
This place is so pretty! Any-who. I really need to get my eyebrows threaded. I want them to be bettered shaped. Maybe a little thinner.
NEDA
You have mistaken me for a woman who pluck hair from face. I am a eyebrow reader. I can channel my power of clairvoyance from touching your eyebrows.
CHRISTINA
So are you gonna shape them up, or what?
Neda gets off her seat and lunges at Christina, sticking her thumbs onto Cristina's eyebrows. They feel the energy generated. Neda, with her eyes closed, starts seeing visions.
NEDA
Your name is Christina. You're 22 years old. You like music from Nickleback because you thing the lead singer looks like Jesus.
CHRISTINA
Oh my gosh! How do you know all this. It's true. You are psychic!
NEDA
I see you are in a relationship with a young man name, Steve. He's going to be the love of your life.
CHRISTINA
Really? Steve is the one?
NEDA
Wait I see something else?!
Neda starts to squeeze the skin where Christina's eyebrows are.
NEDA
I see Steve joking with his friends, telling them that you have asymmetrical breasts .(Laughs) He refers to them as ying yang tits, Devito and Schwartzenegger, Bruce Banner and the incredible hulk...
CHRISTINA
Stop it! Enough!
Christina swats Neda's hands away from her face. Christina tries to fight back the tears as she confronts Neda.
CHRISTINA
I didn't ask for this! I just wanted my eyebrows threaded! How can Steve be the love of my life if he said such horrible things about me!
Neda tries to answer her by attempting to touch her eyebrows again. Christina puts up a hand defensively.
CHRISTINA
No! I don't want to know!
NEDA
Surely, I can find out if Steve is truly the one, or maybe you'll meet a better guy in the future. There's only one way to find out, that's for me to touch you brows.
CHRISTINA
Okay. But this is it. I just want to know if Steve is the one or not.
Neda nods and reaches out to touch Cristina's eyebrow again. Christina gets tense. Neda looks like she's in pain. She then releases Christina and burst out laughing.
NEDA
He said your eyebrows look like Salvatore Dali's pubes!
(Blackout)
A young woman, CHRISTINA, walks into the store. An old Iranian woman, NEDA is sitting at a table. She is wearing traditional Iranian garment.
NEDA
Welcome. Please have a seat.
Christina sits down across from Neda.
CHRISTINA
This place is so pretty! Any-who. I really need to get my eyebrows threaded. I want them to be bettered shaped. Maybe a little thinner.
NEDA
You have mistaken me for a woman who pluck hair from face. I am a eyebrow reader. I can channel my power of clairvoyance from touching your eyebrows.
CHRISTINA
So are you gonna shape them up, or what?
Neda gets off her seat and lunges at Christina, sticking her thumbs onto Cristina's eyebrows. They feel the energy generated. Neda, with her eyes closed, starts seeing visions.
NEDA
Your name is Christina. You're 22 years old. You like music from Nickleback because you thing the lead singer looks like Jesus.
CHRISTINA
Oh my gosh! How do you know all this. It's true. You are psychic!
NEDA
I see you are in a relationship with a young man name, Steve. He's going to be the love of your life.
CHRISTINA
Really? Steve is the one?
NEDA
Wait I see something else?!
Neda starts to squeeze the skin where Christina's eyebrows are.
NEDA
I see Steve joking with his friends, telling them that you have asymmetrical breasts .(Laughs) He refers to them as ying yang tits, Devito and Schwartzenegger, Bruce Banner and the incredible hulk...
CHRISTINA
Stop it! Enough!
Christina swats Neda's hands away from her face. Christina tries to fight back the tears as she confronts Neda.
CHRISTINA
I didn't ask for this! I just wanted my eyebrows threaded! How can Steve be the love of my life if he said such horrible things about me!
Neda tries to answer her by attempting to touch her eyebrows again. Christina puts up a hand defensively.
CHRISTINA
No! I don't want to know!
NEDA
Surely, I can find out if Steve is truly the one, or maybe you'll meet a better guy in the future. There's only one way to find out, that's for me to touch you brows.
CHRISTINA
Okay. But this is it. I just want to know if Steve is the one or not.
Neda nods and reaches out to touch Cristina's eyebrow again. Christina gets tense. Neda looks like she's in pain. She then releases Christina and burst out laughing.
NEDA
He said your eyebrows look like Salvatore Dali's pubes!
(Blackout)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Jon & Kate Plus Ape - Day Three
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JOHN IS SITTING IN THE COUCH ON HIS IPHONE. KATE WALKS IN
HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS.
KATE
WHAT YOU SMILING ABOUT? YOU
TEXTING THAT WHORE OF YOURS?
JON
SHE'S NOT A WHORE! SHE HAS A NAME!
KATE
OH YEAH! WHAT'S HER NAME THEN?
JON IS LOOKS UP TO THE CEILING AS IF THE ANSWER WAS WRITTEN
UP THERE. HE THEN HANGS HIS HEAD AND RUBS IT WITH ONE HAND.
KATE
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME
YOU BALDING FATHEAD.
JON
WAIT IT WILL COME TO ME. MR.
GLASS!
KATE
THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON'S
CHARACTER FROM THE MOVIE
UNBREAKABLE!
JON
GLASSMAN! HAILEY GLASSMAN! HA!
YEAH! NOW WHAT BITCH!
A SILVERBACK GORILLA COMES OUT WEARING A RED BANDANNA AROUND
HIS HEAD AND HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS JON.
KATE
JON? BABY?
SHE PICKS UP THE IPHONE AND STARTS TEXTING. SHE READS AS SHE
TYPES.
KATE
I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND GOING
BACK WITH KATE.
ANNOUNCER ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON TLC'S NEW
SERIES, DEAD JON & KATE PLUS AN
ARMED APE.
(Blackout)
JOHN IS SITTING IN THE COUCH ON HIS IPHONE. KATE WALKS IN
HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS.
KATE
WHAT YOU SMILING ABOUT? YOU
TEXTING THAT WHORE OF YOURS?
JON
SHE'S NOT A WHORE! SHE HAS A NAME!
KATE
OH YEAH! WHAT'S HER NAME THEN?
JON IS LOOKS UP TO THE CEILING AS IF THE ANSWER WAS WRITTEN
UP THERE. HE THEN HANGS HIS HEAD AND RUBS IT WITH ONE HAND.
KATE
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME
YOU BALDING FATHEAD.
JON
WAIT IT WILL COME TO ME. MR.
GLASS!
KATE
THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON'S
CHARACTER FROM THE MOVIE
UNBREAKABLE!
JON
GLASSMAN! HAILEY GLASSMAN! HA!
YEAH! NOW WHAT BITCH!
A SILVERBACK GORILLA COMES OUT WEARING A RED BANDANNA AROUND
HIS HEAD AND HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS JON.
KATE
JON? BABY?
SHE PICKS UP THE IPHONE AND STARTS TEXTING. SHE READS AS SHE
TYPES.
KATE
I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND GOING
BACK WITH KATE.
ANNOUNCER ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON TLC'S NEW
SERIES, DEAD JON & KATE PLUS AN
ARMED APE.
(Blackout)
Jon & Kate Plus Ape - Day Two
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
KATE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE. JON WALKS
IN WITH HIS T-SHIRT SHREDDED INTO TATTERS.
JON
KATE WE NEED TO TALK.
KATE
WHAT IS IT, JON? I'M BUSY.
JON
WHAT? READING MAGAZINES? WE NEED
TO TELL THE PRODUCERS TO PUT OUR
KIDS BACK IN THE SHOW. I CAN'T
DEAL WITH THIS APE IN OUR HOUSE.
KATE
WELL, YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT. WE
NEEDED SOMETHING NEW THIS SEASON.
AND THAT APE HAS A NAME. HIS NAME
IS ED.
JON
HE'S A SILVERBACK GORILLA! I DON'T
CARE WHAT HIS NAME IS! WE NEED TO
GET RID OF HIM!
THE SILVERBACK GORILLA BURST INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH A
BASEBALL BAT AND BREAKS ONE OF JON'S KNEE. HE FALLS TO THE
FLOOR AND STARTS SCREAMING.
(Blackout)
KATE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE. JON WALKS
IN WITH HIS T-SHIRT SHREDDED INTO TATTERS.
JON
KATE WE NEED TO TALK.
KATE
WHAT IS IT, JON? I'M BUSY.
JON
WHAT? READING MAGAZINES? WE NEED
TO TELL THE PRODUCERS TO PUT OUR
KIDS BACK IN THE SHOW. I CAN'T
DEAL WITH THIS APE IN OUR HOUSE.
KATE
WELL, YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT. WE
NEEDED SOMETHING NEW THIS SEASON.
AND THAT APE HAS A NAME. HIS NAME
IS ED.
JON
HE'S A SILVERBACK GORILLA! I DON'T
CARE WHAT HIS NAME IS! WE NEED TO
GET RID OF HIM!
THE SILVERBACK GORILLA BURST INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH A
BASEBALL BAT AND BREAKS ONE OF JON'S KNEE. HE FALLS TO THE
FLOOR AND STARTS SCREAMING.
(Blackout)
Jon & Kate Plus Ape - Day One
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
KATE IS SITTING ON A COUCH WATCHING TV IN THE LIVING ROOM.
ANNOUNCERS' VOICE IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
AND NOW A NEW DIRECTION FOR TLC'S
JON & KATE PLUS 8. THIS IS A
STORY ABOUT TWO RECENTLY DIVORCED
COUPLE, FORCED TO LIVE WITH A
SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS
TLC'S, JON & KATE, PLUS APE.
JON WARILY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN SLOWLY NEXT TO KATE. JON
MURMURS SOMETHING AND KATE DOES NOT HEAR HIM. SHE TURNS TO
JON.
KATE
WHAT IS IT JON?
JON
(LOW VOICE) HOW'S EVERYTHING.
KATE
WHAT?!
JON
I SAID HOW'S EVERYTHING!
A GORILLA BURST INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND RUNS UP TO JON. HE
IS LIKE A DEER IN HEAD LIGHTS, WITH FEAR IN HIS EYES.
JON
AAAHGGH!
(Blackout)
KATE IS SITTING ON A COUCH WATCHING TV IN THE LIVING ROOM.
ANNOUNCERS' VOICE IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.
ANNOUNCER
AND NOW A NEW DIRECTION FOR TLC'S
JON & KATE PLUS 8. THIS IS A
STORY ABOUT TWO RECENTLY DIVORCED
COUPLE, FORCED TO LIVE WITH A
SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS
TLC'S, JON & KATE, PLUS APE.
JON WARILY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN SLOWLY NEXT TO KATE. JON
MURMURS SOMETHING AND KATE DOES NOT HEAR HIM. SHE TURNS TO
JON.
KATE
WHAT IS IT JON?
JON
(LOW VOICE) HOW'S EVERYTHING.
KATE
WHAT?!
JON
I SAID HOW'S EVERYTHING!
A GORILLA BURST INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND RUNS UP TO JON. HE
IS LIKE A DEER IN HEAD LIGHTS, WITH FEAR IN HIS EYES.
JON
AAAHGGH!
(Blackout)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
THE STRIPPER (REWRITE)
THE STRIPPER
JIMMY CHANG
INT. LIVING ROOM
NICK and his two friends, TONY and DOM, are waiting in an
apartment living room. We hear knocking on the door. Dom
opens the door and TANIA walks in with a long coat,
covering her stripper outfit.
TANIA
Hey, boys. I'm Tania. Who's the
lucky bachelor, Nick?
DOM
He's the shy one sitting on the
chair all ready for a lapdance.
TANIA
You guys got any music? I forgot
to bring a CD.
NICK
I got some music. Tony, turn it
on!
Tony turns on the stereo and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" starts
to play. Tania gets into it.
TANIA
I love this song.
DOM
This party is just getting
started!
NICK
Let's switch to the next track,
Tone!
Tony changes the track to ambient sounds of ocean water
crashing.
TONY
What is this now?!
NICK
It's music I use for my yoga
routines. You know, for some
ombeeyonce
DOM
Oh no. She's gonna leave!
TANIA
That's okay, boys. I kind of like
it. It's soothing. I feel like
one of those flower children from
the sixties. (starts dancing like
a hippy)
DOM
I don't even wanna know what's
gonna play next.
TONY
I know! Tell me about it!
The music switches to a chapter of the audio book, "The
Road".
DOM
No! Not again!
TONY
What is this? An audio book, Nick!
NICK
What! it was a good book! I like
the narrations.
TANIA
Oh, my god! I. Love. This book.
This is the Road by Cormac
McCarthy! This the part when he
finds the cannibals' house with
all the naked people locked in
the basement!
TONY
Naked people? Alright!
DOM
Yeah! I really can't wait for the
next track!
TANIA
I don't care what's next! I'll
dance to anything!
Tania dances as if an upbeat song was playing. The ipod
stops working. Everybody stops, shrugs it off and continues
partying.
(Black out)
JIMMY CHANG
INT. LIVING ROOM
NICK and his two friends, TONY and DOM, are waiting in an
apartment living room. We hear knocking on the door. Dom
opens the door and TANIA walks in with a long coat,
covering her stripper outfit.
TANIA
Hey, boys. I'm Tania. Who's the
lucky bachelor, Nick?
DOM
He's the shy one sitting on the
chair all ready for a lapdance.
TANIA
You guys got any music? I forgot
to bring a CD.
NICK
I got some music. Tony, turn it
on!
Tony turns on the stereo and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" starts
to play. Tania gets into it.
TANIA
I love this song.
DOM
This party is just getting
started!
NICK
Let's switch to the next track,
Tone!
Tony changes the track to ambient sounds of ocean water
crashing.
TONY
What is this now?!
NICK
It's music I use for my yoga
routines. You know, for some
ombeeyonce
DOM
Oh no. She's gonna leave!
TANIA
That's okay, boys. I kind of like
it. It's soothing. I feel like
one of those flower children from
the sixties. (starts dancing like
a hippy)
DOM
I don't even wanna know what's
gonna play next.
TONY
I know! Tell me about it!
The music switches to a chapter of the audio book, "The
Road".
DOM
No! Not again!
TONY
What is this? An audio book, Nick!
NICK
What! it was a good book! I like
the narrations.
TANIA
Oh, my god! I. Love. This book.
This is the Road by Cormac
McCarthy! This the part when he
finds the cannibals' house with
all the naked people locked in
the basement!
TONY
Naked people? Alright!
DOM
Yeah! I really can't wait for the
next track!
TANIA
I don't care what's next! I'll
dance to anything!
Tania dances as if an upbeat song was playing. The ipod
stops working. Everybody stops, shrugs it off and continues
partying.
(Black out)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Finished The Thin Man
A lot of characters in this one. For some reason I keep getting bored with the ongoing plot of the story. The main character, Nick Charles was interesting but the other characters seems to all sound the same or act similar. Definitely not better than Maltese Falcon.
THOR MEETS GODZILLA
Godzilla walks out of the ocean and Thor is standing at the shore waiting.
Thor - Is thou the Midgar serpent who will send me to the eternal Valhalla?
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Does thou not recognize the son of Odin! Master of Mjolnir, the hammer that was forged by the dwarves! The God who commands the storms!
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Curse you, fowl beast! I have prepared for this day! It is Thursday or Thors-day. The day I meet my fallen kin in Valhalla, but my life will not be taken so easily, serpent. I have awaited for this day and even as a dying God, I will still deal death to thee!
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Come on dude! That was a good line! All you got is roar?! You're killing my flow here, man! I waited thousands of years for this, and all you gonna do is roar!
Godzilla - Sumimasen!
Godzilla exhales a nuclear blast and incinerates Thor.
Thor - Is thou the Midgar serpent who will send me to the eternal Valhalla?
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Does thou not recognize the son of Odin! Master of Mjolnir, the hammer that was forged by the dwarves! The God who commands the storms!
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Curse you, fowl beast! I have prepared for this day! It is Thursday or Thors-day. The day I meet my fallen kin in Valhalla, but my life will not be taken so easily, serpent. I have awaited for this day and even as a dying God, I will still deal death to thee!
Godzilla roars.
Thor - Come on dude! That was a good line! All you got is roar?! You're killing my flow here, man! I waited thousands of years for this, and all you gonna do is roar!
Godzilla - Sumimasen!
Godzilla exhales a nuclear blast and incinerates Thor.
DOOR TO DOOR RELIGION
DOOR TO DOOR RELIGION
CHANG
INT. - VICK'S HOUSE - DAY
VICK is playing X-box in the living room when a CHRISTIAN MAN knocks on his door. Vick goes to answer the door.
CHRISTIAN MAN - Hello, sir. Have you found Jesus?
VICK - Oh my gosh, no! How long has he gone missing?
(Black out)
CHANG
INT. - VICK'S HOUSE - DAY
VICK is playing X-box in the living room when a CHRISTIAN MAN knocks on his door. Vick goes to answer the door.
CHRISTIAN MAN - Hello, sir. Have you found Jesus?
VICK - Oh my gosh, no! How long has he gone missing?
(Black out)
BEAT SHEET FOR 30 ROCK SPEC
30 ROCK
"THE HOFF"
by Jimmy Chang
INT. - JACK'S OFFICE - DAY
Jack tells Liz that she needs to put together a show with David Hasselhoff as a guest star.
OPENING CREDITS
ACT ONE
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - DAY
Tracy tells the writers that he's afraid of vampires after watching Twilight.
INT. - HALLWAY - DAY
Jenna is stoked about David Hasselhoff guest starring on TGS. Liz tells her to not get too crazy.
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
The writers pitches ideas for the show. They are afraid of eating burgers for lunch because they don't want to offend Hasselhoff. They decided to have Kenneth pick up Chinese take-out.
EXT. - NEW YORK STREETS - NOON
Kenneth goes to pick up lunch for the writers when he runs into somebody he wronged during the Beijing Olympics.
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - NOON
David Hasselhoff shows up and Tracy thinks he's Dracula, and wants to stake him. Kenneth's stalker follows him to 30 Rock and confronts him about what happened during the Olympics.
FADE OUT.
ACT BREAK
ACT TWO
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - NOON
Kenneth's nemesis recognizes Tracy as "Who that ninja" and escapes 30 Rock. Liz has Jenna distract Hasselhoff while she calls doctor Leo Spaceman to help Tracy with his fear.
INT. - TRACY'S DRESSING ROOM - NOON
Doctor Leo Spaceman gives Tracy pills for his new found anxiety and dashes off.
INT. - THE STUDIO STAGE - EVENING
Jenna tries to do duets with Hasselhoff during dress rehearsal but he doesn't want to sing.
INT. - PAGE DESK - EVENING
Donny, the head page, teases Kenneth about the Olympics. Donny then exits awkwardly.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. - THE STUDIO - NIGHT
Hasselhoff and Jenna ends the TGS show with a cresendo finale. Tracy comes out dressed up like Dracula and throws confetti on everybody and wraps the show. Jack and Liz watches from behind the cameras.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
"THE HOFF"
by Jimmy Chang
INT. - JACK'S OFFICE - DAY
Jack tells Liz that she needs to put together a show with David Hasselhoff as a guest star.
OPENING CREDITS
ACT ONE
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - DAY
Tracy tells the writers that he's afraid of vampires after watching Twilight.
INT. - HALLWAY - DAY
Jenna is stoked about David Hasselhoff guest starring on TGS. Liz tells her to not get too crazy.
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
The writers pitches ideas for the show. They are afraid of eating burgers for lunch because they don't want to offend Hasselhoff. They decided to have Kenneth pick up Chinese take-out.
EXT. - NEW YORK STREETS - NOON
Kenneth goes to pick up lunch for the writers when he runs into somebody he wronged during the Beijing Olympics.
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - NOON
David Hasselhoff shows up and Tracy thinks he's Dracula, and wants to stake him. Kenneth's stalker follows him to 30 Rock and confronts him about what happened during the Olympics.
FADE OUT.
ACT BREAK
ACT TWO
INT. - WRITERS ROOM - NOON
Kenneth's nemesis recognizes Tracy as "Who that ninja" and escapes 30 Rock. Liz has Jenna distract Hasselhoff while she calls doctor Leo Spaceman to help Tracy with his fear.
INT. - TRACY'S DRESSING ROOM - NOON
Doctor Leo Spaceman gives Tracy pills for his new found anxiety and dashes off.
INT. - THE STUDIO STAGE - EVENING
Jenna tries to do duets with Hasselhoff during dress rehearsal but he doesn't want to sing.
INT. - PAGE DESK - EVENING
Donny, the head page, teases Kenneth about the Olympics. Donny then exits awkwardly.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. - THE STUDIO - NIGHT
Hasselhoff and Jenna ends the TGS show with a cresendo finale. Tracy comes out dressed up like Dracula and throws confetti on everybody and wraps the show. Jack and Liz watches from behind the cameras.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Sitcom Writing Exercise
I have to do a beat sheet for a spec script I'm writing. I'm doing a 30 Rock spec and some of my other classmates are doing the same in Sitcom Writing class. When I took a creative writing course a couple years ago, the instructor made us watch old movies and write a screenplay for what we saw in first minute of the film. I started watching the first season of 30 Rock and decided to write down the beat sheet for the first 3 episodes. I found it very helpful and it gave me more confidence with my own beat sheet.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Finished The Reader In 2 Days
This book just became one of my favorite books. I bought it yesterday and just couldn't put it down as I was reading it on the train home. Each chapter is about as interesting as the next and it's only a couple pages. The pacing of the book is so quick and interesting, you'll finish the book and go back to read it again. The book does fall into the category of books with depressing endings, which is unfortunately what I've been reading for the past month. All those novels prepared me for a sad ending, even predicted it as a writer myself. If I ever wrote a novel, I would pace the book the same way as how Brenhard Schlink did it.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Mail Order Henchmen
DOMINIC DOOM is on the phone with the "Mail Order Henchmen" REP
DOM
Hey can I get a couple of henchmen. Mine got killed off a couple days ago.
REP
How many got killed off?
DOM
About 200.
REP
Who did it?
DOM
Jack Bauer killed about 100, Bond killed 30, John McClain - 10, I killed 30 for running away from a fight and Chuck Norris got the rest.
REP
OK. Unfortunately the 30 you killed can not be credited.
DOM
I know. I just want 200. I'll pay the difference for the 30.
REP
You ever thought about getting our super bodyguard specials.
DOM
Is that the one where it comes with a specially skilled bodyguard like Jaws or Oddjob?
REP
Yes. For every hundred henchmen you get, we throw in a super bodyguard. So you would get two bodyguards if you order from us today.
DOM
Nice. I really want Jack Bauer dead. He really put a hurting in my operations. He usually does more damage in one day than the other guys in a week. I got millions of dollars and resources and he's just throwing a monkey wrench in all my plans.
REP
Doesn't he work for the FOX Network?
Dom
Yea.
REP
Why don't you just buy out the network and fire him. Or have him work for you.
DOM
You know what? Maybe I will. Thanks.
DOM
Hey can I get a couple of henchmen. Mine got killed off a couple days ago.
REP
How many got killed off?
DOM
About 200.
REP
Who did it?
DOM
Jack Bauer killed about 100, Bond killed 30, John McClain - 10, I killed 30 for running away from a fight and Chuck Norris got the rest.
REP
OK. Unfortunately the 30 you killed can not be credited.
DOM
I know. I just want 200. I'll pay the difference for the 30.
REP
You ever thought about getting our super bodyguard specials.
DOM
Is that the one where it comes with a specially skilled bodyguard like Jaws or Oddjob?
REP
Yes. For every hundred henchmen you get, we throw in a super bodyguard. So you would get two bodyguards if you order from us today.
DOM
Nice. I really want Jack Bauer dead. He really put a hurting in my operations. He usually does more damage in one day than the other guys in a week. I got millions of dollars and resources and he's just throwing a monkey wrench in all my plans.
REP
Doesn't he work for the FOX Network?
Dom
Yea.
REP
Why don't you just buy out the network and fire him. Or have him work for you.
DOM
You know what? Maybe I will. Thanks.
Dracula watches Twilight on DVD (Featuring Wolfman)
INT. APARTMENT
DRACULA and THE WOLFMAN are watching Twilight on DVD in Wolfman's apartment.
WOLFMAN
So does Vampires go to high school?
DRACULA
No. Why would we need to go to high school when some of us are hundreds of years old.
WOLFMAN
So dating a human girl is statutory rape?
DRACULA
Pretty much.
WOLFMAN
So do you glisten in the sun like glitter.
DRACULA.
No. Our bodies are basically an illusion. The sun destroys that.
WOLMAN
Why do goth girls love you guys?
DRACULA
I don't know wolfman. Why don't you ask one instead of interrupting this movie.
DRACULA and THE WOLFMAN are watching Twilight on DVD in Wolfman's apartment.
WOLFMAN
So does Vampires go to high school?
DRACULA
No. Why would we need to go to high school when some of us are hundreds of years old.
WOLFMAN
So dating a human girl is statutory rape?
DRACULA
Pretty much.
WOLFMAN
So do you glisten in the sun like glitter.
DRACULA.
No. Our bodies are basically an illusion. The sun destroys that.
WOLMAN
Why do goth girls love you guys?
DRACULA
I don't know wolfman. Why don't you ask one instead of interrupting this movie.
Bernie Madoff's Diary Entry 1
Dear Diary,
Today Rich Nelson was checking me out during lunch time. I can see the fire in his eyes as I tried to wolf down my Salisbury Steak. When I was about to start on the cookie, that's when Nelson came over. He was a large man, walked with a swagger with that plastic spork in his mouth. "Yo! You gonna eat that cookie mutha-fuka!" he said. I told him I was gonna eat it, he insisted that I give it to him but I was really hungry. "Alright, I'll see ya later, you jive mutha-fucka!" he replied. If it was my first day in prison, I would had thought that was his special way of bidding me farewell, but no, that was an indication that he was gonna come look for me during shower time.
So it was during shower time when Rich Nelson jabbed me in the side, so hard that I thought one of my kidney exploded. I fell on my knees and he said, "Take this!" I took it alright. I took all 7 inches of him in my mouth. I cried earlier tonight before I wrote this entry. I thought "Why didn't I just give him the God damn cookie." I wanted to prove that I was tough, but my actions proved nothing. So next time somebody wanted my lunch, I'll just give them my lunch and oral sex in the showers.
Truck Driver From All Those Movies
EXT. HIGHWAY
(TRUCK DRIVER is driving his truck down the highway and the VOICE OF GOD can be heard.)
VOICE OF GOD - Truck Driver. Why don't you stop in all those movies? You just keep going even if there was a terrible accident.
TRUCK DRIVER - I can't stop, God! There's a truck load of stuff I got to deliver!
VOICE OF GOD - Is your delivery route more important than human life itself?
TRUCK DRIVER - Nobody told them to walk out into the middle of the street. I gave them a courtesy horn!
VOICE OF GOD - Like half a second before impact. Not much time to react, Trucker!
TRUCK DRIVER - Hey I've done my part. They can call the "How's my driving number" on the back of the truck!
VOICE OF GOD - Can you even see the road with those tinted windows? I can't see you half the time.
TRUCK DRIVER - Don't knock the tinted windows. They keep the sun out of my eyes.
VOICE OF GOD - So you can run over children.
TRUCK DRIVER - Half the time some hero will come out and scoop them away!
VOICE OF GOD - Were you in the movie DUEL?
TRUCK DRIVER - Yea.
VOICE OF GOD - I thought so.
(TRUCK DRIVER is driving his truck down the highway and the VOICE OF GOD can be heard.)
VOICE OF GOD - Truck Driver. Why don't you stop in all those movies? You just keep going even if there was a terrible accident.
TRUCK DRIVER - I can't stop, God! There's a truck load of stuff I got to deliver!
VOICE OF GOD - Is your delivery route more important than human life itself?
TRUCK DRIVER - Nobody told them to walk out into the middle of the street. I gave them a courtesy horn!
VOICE OF GOD - Like half a second before impact. Not much time to react, Trucker!
TRUCK DRIVER - Hey I've done my part. They can call the "How's my driving number" on the back of the truck!
VOICE OF GOD - Can you even see the road with those tinted windows? I can't see you half the time.
TRUCK DRIVER - Don't knock the tinted windows. They keep the sun out of my eyes.
VOICE OF GOD - So you can run over children.
TRUCK DRIVER - Half the time some hero will come out and scoop them away!
VOICE OF GOD - Were you in the movie DUEL?
TRUCK DRIVER - Yea.
VOICE OF GOD - I thought so.
Get Rid Of The Body
(CHANG)
GET RID OF THE BODY - Ted/ Janis/ Bert
(OPEN ON: VT: APARTMENT BATHROOM. TED, JANIS AND BERT LOCKED THEMSELVES INSIDE. THEY’RE IN FEAR.)
JANIS
OMG! OMG! We just killed George! What are we going to do now?! We got to get rid of the body!
TED
I can’t listen to this! This is all crazy talk! It was an accident! We were high! And still are, probably.
BERT
Shut up! We are all in this together! We’ll have to get rid of the body the old fashion way!
JANIS
What’s the old fashion way?
BERT
Flush the gold fish down the toilet.
(BLACK OUT)
GET RID OF THE BODY - Ted/ Janis/ Bert
(OPEN ON: VT: APARTMENT BATHROOM. TED, JANIS AND BERT LOCKED THEMSELVES INSIDE. THEY’RE IN FEAR.)
JANIS
OMG! OMG! We just killed George! What are we going to do now?! We got to get rid of the body!
TED
I can’t listen to this! This is all crazy talk! It was an accident! We were high! And still are, probably.
BERT
Shut up! We are all in this together! We’ll have to get rid of the body the old fashion way!
JANIS
What’s the old fashion way?
BERT
Flush the gold fish down the toilet.
(BLACK OUT)
Writer's Pitch
WRITER’S PITCH – WILL/JOHN/WIT/ EXTRA WRITING STAFF MEMBERS
(OPEN ON: VT: WRITERS ROOM. EVERYBODY IS SITTING AROUND A TABLE, TAKING TURNS PITCHING IDEAS.)
WIT
What’s your idea, Will?
WILL
Umm. How bout a duck gets shot…Yeah!
JOHN
HorseSHIT! That was a fake pitch! He doesn’t have a sketch idea!
WILL
Yes I do! It’s about a duck getting shot and, and...
JOHN
Well it’s not gonna be funnier than my zombie idea, cause zombies are rad!
WIT
Guys! We’re writing an obituary?
(BLACK OUT)
(OPEN ON: VT: WRITERS ROOM. EVERYBODY IS SITTING AROUND A TABLE, TAKING TURNS PITCHING IDEAS.)
WIT
What’s your idea, Will?
WILL
Umm. How bout a duck gets shot…Yeah!
JOHN
HorseSHIT! That was a fake pitch! He doesn’t have a sketch idea!
WILL
Yes I do! It’s about a duck getting shot and, and...
JOHN
Well it’s not gonna be funnier than my zombie idea, cause zombies are rad!
WIT
Guys! We’re writing an obituary?
(BLACK OUT)
Body Trash (Commercial Parody)
(CHANG)
BODY TRASH - Husband/ Wife / Hobo/ Singer/ Matt Finkle
(OPEN ON: VT: KITCHEN OF A ROAD HOME. HUSBAND AND WIFE LOOKS OUT WINDOW AND SEES HOBO PICKING THROUGH HER TRASH)
MATT FINKLE
Hi. I’m Matt Finkle. Are you tired of hobos picking through your garbage? You’ve tried everything, but they just keep coming back. Don’t worry, because now there’s Body Trash!
[ADDA - FF: TRASH BAGS WITH FAKE BODY PARTS STICKING OUT]
MATT FINKLE
I invented the idea of trash bags filled with fake spring loaded body parts. It’s set to pop out as soon as one of those filthy vagrants tries to open it. These body parts are so real; the hobos will think your some kind of serial killer. (TO HOBO OUTSIDE) Hey, you! You forgot this!
[MATT FINKLE THROWS A BAG OF BODY TRASH TOWARDS HOBO. HE TEARS IT OPEN, FALLS DOWN AND VOMITS]
(MORE)
HOBO
Oh my god! He’s dead! He’s dead! Why god, why?! I just wanted some soda pop cans, or a sandwich!
HUSBAND AND WIFE
[Addresses camera]
Thanks, Body Trash!
[ADDA – FF: SHOT OF BODY TRASH WITH TITLE ABOVE SHOT]
SINGER (SINGS)
Want to get rid of hobos fast, get yourself some Body Trash!
MATT FINKLE
Body Trash! The scarecrows of the hobo world!
[BLACK OUT]
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Just finished Revolutionary Road
A really well written novel by Richard Yates. It's ashamed that it has such a lackluster story. I liked the two main characters in the beginning of the book. They remind me of Don Draper and Birdie in the Mad Men TV show. The writer then introduces supporting characters and spends a chapter on each of them. I did not care much for the other characters and found it unnecessary to have a entire chapter with a back story about them. The book turns out to have a really predictable depressing ending. This is the third novel I read that has a depressing ending. I really need to start reading comic books again.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Just posted sketches on National Sketch Month's site. http://www.nationalsketchwritingmonth.com/ . I'm jimmychang83
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